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KEEP YOUR PANTS ON

By Mark Salamon, October 4, 2020

It’s been a while since I have reported on the risks and benefits of, how do I put this delicately, “creative” ways to improve health, like eating balloons, squirting coffee up your ass, goat yoga, eating your placenta, and putting wasps nests in your vagina. And now, just when I thought they had tried everything, I am excited to report on another new and inventive technique: suntanning your asshole.

The technical term for this practice is “perineum sunning,” which is derived from the scientific principle that it sounds better than “suntanning your asshole.” According to a health.com report, practitioners contend that the procedure allows super-absorption of the sun’s beneficial rays through the perineum, which is the small, sensitive area around your…I’m not going to actually describe it, you know what it is. The technique involves shedding your pants, lying on your back, spreading your legs, and pointing your perineum directly at the sun like a miniature satellite dish, which will undoubtedly catch the attention of aliens looking for intelligent life forms.

Perineum sunning is “an ancient Taoist practice that originated in the far East,” and the perineum is actually “a gateway where energy enters & exits the body,” according to @metaphysicalmeagen, who’s extensive professional credentials consist of being an instagram sensation. 

In the Tao religion, the technical term for the perineum is “Hui Yin,” which is the ancient root-word that eventually evolved into the modern day “Hoo-Hoo.” Incredibly, western medical doctors have not enthusiastically endorsed this practice. Some, like David E. Bank, MD, state that sun exposure to this sensitive skin is dangerous and can increase the risk of skin cancer. And Nazanin Saedi, MD says that “These areas just like other areas of the body do need sun protection and clothing tends to provide that.” 

In my professional opinion, not lying down and pointing your naked ass at the sun provides that as well.

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