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INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO CONSUME COFFEE

By Mark Salamon, December 2, 2019

I wrote an article a while back on the health benefits of drinking coffee, and the overwhelming evidence that coffee decreases the risks of cancer of the liver, endometrium, mouth, throat, brain, and colon. Research has also shown that coffee decreases the risks of stroke and cardiovascular disease, and improves mental and physical performance. These findings prompted me, as an avid coffee drinker, to proclaim that these studies represented the best research ever done in the history of the universe, and to recommend that readers join me in drinking as much coffee as humanly possible. 

Some studies have even challenged the widely held belief that coffee increases blood pressure, although in order to cover my ass I still recommended monitoring  your blood pressure just to make sure. But speaking of asses, I came across a new report that made me realize that I should have been more specific when recommending coffee, because in order to maximize its health benefits, coffee should be taken in through the mouth AND NOT THROUGH THE ASS. 

I thought that went without saying, but apparently not according to a report that “Goop” is getting some backlash for recommending a machine used to administer coffee enemas in their Goop Detox Guide. The backlash is fueled by a report in the American Journal of Gastroenterology that states that coffee enemas can cause complications including proctocolitis, which is a fancy name for inflammation of the rectum and colon. 

It turns out that this condition can be caused by putting a variety of things in your ass, so I am going to go ahead and recommend that you don’t put anything in there, except possibly a suppository that is prescribed by a physician.  

Now I’ve got some work to do, because I have written articles about nutrition, supplements, aspirin, ibuprofen, and blood thinners, and I am just now realizing that I never specified that you should not shove any of those things up your ass. I think I better get a lawyer.  

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