Breaking Medical News

By Mark Salamon, March 2, 2019

Today’s article is the first installment in my new series “How To Correctly Perform Bodily Functions That You Should Be Able To Do Automatically.” Inspiration for this project came from a recent report written by Tim Newman about an unfortunate healthy thirty-four year old man who ended up in the hospital for a ruptured throat after sneezing incorrectly. That’s right, after attempting to “squash a sneeze by blocking his nostrils and mouth,” he apparently did so much damage to his insides that he had to be tube fed and given IV antibiotics for seven days. (1)

Detailed descriptions of the various layers of tissue that were disrupted, and the resulting pockets of air that were found where they were not supposed to be, can be found in BMJ Case Reports. The severity of these injuries prompted the authors to warn that blocking the nose and mouth during a sneeze is very dangerous and “should be avoided, as it may lead to numerous complications such as pneumomediastinum, perforation of tympanic membrane and even rupture of cerebral aneurysm.” (2)

The thought of any of these complications is enough to make my stomach turn, even though I don’t actually know what all of them mean. But this is nothing compared to my reaction upon reading that a sneeze is EQUIVALENT TO ONE THIRD OF AN ORGASM, at least according to Newman, who backs up this startling claim by saying that he heard it somewhere. But despite this rock solid reference, I decided to look into this myself, and sure enough the internet is festooned with reports of sneezes being equal to everything from a tenth to a seventh to a third to an actual whole orgasm. (3) (4) (5) (6)

If this is true, then I think it is much more important to warn people about the dangers of blocking your nose and mouth during an orgasm, as the resulting carnage done to your reproductive organs would be enough to make you wish that all you had was a ruptured throat. Just the thought of this may be enough to prevent most of you from ever actually having another orgasm, so my work here is done. You’re welcome.

Stay tuned for the next installment, where I plan on discussing how to fart without throwing your back out.

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