Breaking Medical News

By Mark Salamon, February 1, 2018

An ingenious new medical device has brought us a step closer to allowing health conscious Americans to stay fit and trim while simultaneously eating mountains of junk food.  Yes, the AspireAssist, which was approved by the FDA last year, is a surgically implanted tube that runs from the inside of the stomach to a port valve that opens just above the belly button, allowing the lucky dieter to empty the super-sized happy meal they just devoured into the toilet before going back for seconds.  

I for one am thrilled that this technology is finally bringing the old “binge and purge” diet into the twenty first century.  Skeptical doctors argue that the device will create eating disorders, but according to several patients who use the device, this does not happen because of the extensive chewing that is involved in order to prevent the food from becoming lodged in the tube.  According to Shelby Sullivan, who led one of the trials of the device, this chewing makes people eat less because they feel “that full sensation with less food because they’re eating slower and they’re also literally getting sick and tired of chewing”.

Eric Wilcoxon, who has used the device since 2013, wholeheartedly agrees.  “You have to chew your food beyond comprehension...I mean, you just don’t grasp how much you have to chew your food”, he says, adding that all this chewing has led him to eat smaller meals and more fruits, vegetables, and chicken, which are easier to aspirate through the tube.  In addition, many patients report that junk food looks a lot more disgusting than healthy food as it comes out of the tube, making them crave it less. (1)

This is the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for since prehistoric humans first attempted to stick to a diet.  We’ve been wasting our time with advertising campaigns, scare tactics, amphetamines, diuretics, tapeworms, Weight Watchers, hypnosis, genetically engineered food, and higher insurance premiums.  All we had to do was install a drain hose and people miraculously eat more fruits and vegetables and less junk food to the point where they don’t even need the drain hose any more, but actually they do because without it they would go back to swallowing double bacon cheeseburgers whole.  But that’s ok, whatever works, just leave the drain hose in. We could completely eradicate the obesity epidemic if this became a routine procedure done on all children at their 8 month checkup, which is the standard age for transitioning from rice cereal to double bacon cheeseburgers.

Problem solved.

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