By Mark Salamon, Jan 1, 2018
Well, it’s finally happened. An Italian surgeon named Sergio Canavero has performed the first successful head transplant. (1) Ever since knee replacements came on the scene I knew it was only a matter of time, and I was hoping this medical breakthrough would take place before I hit my golden years, because my head is wearing out much faster than my knees.
So I decided to be proactive and go down to my doctor’s office to put my name on the list for a new head. I’m only fifty-three, but this surgery is sure to be the hottest thing since boob-jobs so I didn’t want to wait until my original head can’t even remember that transplants are an option. So I explain the situation to the receptionist, triggering a flurry of activity involving whispering and running in the back to get the doctor. I’m encouraged because they obviously have not had any experience with this yet, so I’m thinking I will probably be very high on the list, if not first on the list. Then the doctor finally comes out and explains to me that this head transplant was performed on two people WHO WERE ALREADY DEAD.
Seriously? What the f is that all about? My plumber could have done that. So I mentioned the article, and my doctor told me that it’s in there and I should go home and read it again, which I did, and sure enough there it is in plain English, further demonstrating that I am in urgent need of a new head.
Not only that, but as I continue to read I learn that it should really be called a total body replacement because you are supposed to actually keep your own head and go home with the new rest of the body. Again, what the f am I supposed to do with that? I don’t need a new body, I need a new head. This does me about as much good as it did the two dead people they performed this “groundbreaking surgery” on.
So I read a little more and find out that this Sergio “doctor” is really a quack that doesn’t know what he’s talking about.