by Mark Salamon, February 2, 2017

For all you sugar lovers out there who are tired of being lectured to by the U.S government, the World Health Organization, and other health fanatics, I have some fantastic news.  A new study is reporting that these organizations with their big, fancy names have been wrong all along with their “evidence” that there is a link between many health problems and consumption of too much processed sugar.

I am also happy to report that this new study was funded by the International Life Sciences Institute, which as you can plainly see has a name every bit as big and fancy as the above mentioned.  Not only that, the International Life Sciences Institute is funded by companies that know a whole lot more about sugar than the “World Health Organization”, companies like Coca Cola Co., PepsiCo Inc., Mars Inc., and Hershey Co.  

This is also great news for blue collar American workers, such as gastric bypass surgeons, who should finally be able to get enough work to make ends meet.  In fact, this study may actually benefit the entire U.S. economy, also known as drug companies.  

In related news:

The National Home Meth Lab Workers Union recently funded several studies showing strong links between regular methamphetamine use and higher standardized test scores.

Philip Morris International  Inc. sponsored an in-house study showing that smoking at least a pack a day improves performance in competitive distance runners.

And on the economic front:

Two hundred and fifty prison guards at the Chicago State Correction Facility were laid off when the inmates double-pinky-promised to not leave the prison grounds until their sentences were served. This news is not as bad as it sounds, as virtually all of these displaced workers should have no problem finding employment in the booming health and wellness industry.

I hear Tasty-Cake is hiring.