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SAVE A FEW BUCKS AND HOLD IT IN

By Mark Salamon, March 1, 2020

A groundbreaking study out of the Rand Corporation has shown that getting up at least two times per night to pee costs the U.S. economy approximately 44.4 billion dollars each year. If you do the math, that comes to about 39 cents per pee per person. I’m sick to my stomach thinking of all the things I could buy if I had that money back.

Since I read this news, I have diligently refrained from peeing in the middle of the night. At first it was difficult to make it to work on time because I spent the first 30 minutes of the day urinating. But I solved this problem by getting up 30 minutes earlier, which was easy because I was already wide awake holding in my urine and  thinking about all the things I would do with that extra money.

After a couple of weeks I noticed two things. First, to my shock and surprise, I didn’t actually have any more money than I did before. Second, my work productivity went way down because I was tired and confused all the time. I decided to go back and read the article again. Turns out that all this lost money was apparently due to the fact that people who did pee at night had work productivity that was way down because they were tired and confused all the time. 

Baffling. The only scientific explanation I could fathom was that those researchers over at Rand probably suffered brain hemorrhages from trying to hold in their pee for too long. So I’m back to urinating whenever I damn well please, day or night, and I’m awake, alert, and raking in the big bucks.

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