Breaking Medical News

by Mark Salamon, April 1, 2017

As a medical professional, I spend hours poring over the latest medical research, carefully analyzing the methods, subject selection, sample size, and statistical analysis in order to form an opinion on the quality of each study.  It is a very scientific process which has allowed me over the years to determine the best advice to give my patients when it comes to exercise, diet, supplements, and general health.  

After giving this advice, the next step is to wait a couple years for new studies to come out showing that everything  they found in the old studies was wrong.  This is when I consult my list of all my past patients and their questions so that I can call them all back and say, “remember that thing I told you two years ago, well never mind”.

Just kidding!  I don’t really do that.  What I do instead is just wait two more years for the next round of studies to show that the last round was really wrong and the first round was really right and so never mind about the last time I said never mind and just do what I told you the first time.

Got it?  

Believe it or not, there is an exception to this rule, and it is called coffee.  In case you are behind on your reading of medical literature, let me summarize.  Studies over the last several years have shown that drinking coffee decreases your chances of cancer of the liver, uterus, oral cavity, pharynx, brain, colon, and rectum, decreases risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, improves mental performance, and improves physical performance for long and short duration activities.  It has also been shown to decrease the risk of dying from many other causes, including sleeping through fire alarms.

The widely held belief that coffee increases blood pressure is even being called into question.  But I would still recommend monitoring your blood pressure with and without coffee just to make sure.

The best news of all is that the more coffee you drink, the more beneficial effects you get.  On behalf of coffee drinkers everywhere, I would like to state that this is the best research ever done in the history of the universe.  I am presently working on a letter that I am going to personally send to each and every one of these researchers encouraging them to use their unique talents to study the effects of beer and pizza.  

I would also like to urge these dedicated scientists to do the following:  stop researching coffee.  I know that at this point you are all so pumped up on caffeine that it may be practically impossible to stop.  But consider what could happen if just one disgruntled research assistant found something bad about coffee. The party would be over, and we would all have to go back to drinking as much coffee as humanly possible but not feeling nearly as good about it.  

And think about it, after all of this great news about coffee, without any conflicting, flip-flopping studies, how many more people do you need to convince? We’re all on board.  The only possible way to get more people to drink coffee would be to show that it causes erections lasting four hours.  (Trust me, it doesn’t)  We need to quit while we’re ahead, before some troublemaker finds a connection between coffee and moderate-to-severe-oily-discharge.

Not that it would stop us.




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